“Because I Am the Biggest, and Therefore the Best!”
Greetings and salad-tations, my smaller and weaker friends.
It is I, Three Socks, the largest, most majestic, and most obviously qualified candidate for Ranch President. This job is my birthright. I created the position, for great pony spirit sake! But now, a painted-up, poopy-headed mare named Ms. Buttons thinks she should be in charge.
Let’s get something straight—I am the alpha of this ranch. Not because Mickey got old and weak (though that did help), but because I was blessed with a massive, beautiful body and the kind of flowing blonde mane that inspires armies. Leadership is in my bones. Before you cast your vote, let me tell you why the Three Socks presidency will be the greatest thing to ever happen to this ranch.
My Presidential Promises:
NO PLASTIC BAGS!
I repeat—NO. PLASTIC. BAGS. We all know they are evil. They appear out of nowhere, trying to murder us. They get caught on fences, waving menacingly in the wind, taunting us with their terrifying crinkly noises. No more! Under my leadership, plastic bags will be banned. Also, I hear this is good for the environment? Something about a “green agenda.” Not sure what that is, but if it means greener grass, then I’m all in.
FREE PIES!
Who doesn’t love pie? I am tall enough to take pies off window sills (I have tested this), and once I’ve had my share, I might even share some with the less fortunate (read: shorter) creatures on the ranch. You’re welcome.
FREE APPLES!
Apples are the greatest food known to horsekind. The crisp. The crunch. The juicy, mouthwatering, life-changing deliciousness. As President, apples will be freely available at all times. Also, my opponent, Ms. Buttons, hates apples. And baby chicks. Yup, you heard it here first, folks.
OPEN GATE POLICY!
All gates shall remain open. Chickens, imagine the freedom! Your eggs will no longer be “low-class backyard eggs.” No, my friends, your children will be free-range eggs! Wild hogs, this is especially exciting news for you because you are free to leave. In fact, please leave. Immediately.
MANLY VIBES!
Under my rule, we will make this ranch manlier than ever. The TV will play only action movies and gross-out comedies. No more romantic period dramas. No more sad documentaries about how humans are ruining everything. We will watch EXPLOSIONS, CAR CHASES, and MOVIES WHERE THE MAIN CHARACTER SURVIVES PURELY THROUGH THE POWER OF HIS BICEPS.
UNIVERSAL BASIC HEALTHCARE
Colic services will be provided for free. That’s right, folks—under my leadership, we can all eat whatever we want without fear! If it doesn’t work out, a vet will arrive promptly to pump our stomachs. This is about freedom of dietary choices, and I take it very seriously.
THE CHOICE IS CLEAR.
A vote for me is a vote for freedom, masculinity, snacks, and no deadly plastic bags. A vote for me is a vote against grouchy mares, boring TV, and gates keeping you from living your best life.
Vote Three Socks. Because I am the biggest, and therefore, the best.
🎶 And now, a campaign song by me, Three Socks! 🎶
Oh, vote for me, I’m large and grand!
With flowing mane, the best in the land!
No plastic bags, just apples sweet,
And pies for all (but mostly me to eat!)
The gates swing wide, the hogs shall roam,
But preferably far from my new home!
With action films and snacks galore,
Let’s make this ranch great once more!
THREE SOCKS FOR PRESIDENT! 🐴💪🍏🔥📺